One Day for Writing

The year that was 2020, also know as the year that never was, ate a part of my soul. Anything that could go wrong went wrong and I’m still bloody lucky.

The year made me reflect, it made me angry, sad and everything else you could imagine. Greif and Joy make strange bedfellows.

A thousand years ago in 2019 I had made plans of things I was going to do with the site, how much writing I was going to do and research. All of that came to nought.

I did manage to finish my outline/first draft of my novel but that’s it. Output has been appalling generally.

Lately whenever I have attempted to start to write, no matter where I am and using whatever medium I have to hand, I still get disturbed. Then there’s the loss of flow and that’s the entire day, kaput. Maybe that’s my own fault and maybe that’s just an excuse.

The household has been advised when I sit to write I’ll be doing it in a certain space on a certain day of the week.

<p value="<amp-fit-text layout="fixed-height" min-font-size="6" max-font-size="72" height="80">I was once told that “the weekend is where your passions go to die” which in some ways is fair. However, I don’t have the luxury, energy or mental capacity to write after finishing work. and Saturday is filled with domestic obligations so here we are. Writing on a Sunday. A single day to cram all my creativity either with my novel second draft or a short story. At least I’m carving out a space in my life for this and it’s better than just letting it die.I was once told that “the weekend is where your passions go to die” which in some ways is fair. However, I don’t have the luxury, energy or mental capacity to write after finishing work. and Saturday is filled with domestic obligations so here we are. Writing on a Sunday. A single day to cram all my creativity either with my novel second draft or a short story. At least I’m carving out a space in my life for this and it’s better than just letting it die.

Where am I now?

Well it’s been a while folks and I’m still here.

If you listen to my podcast you will know that over the new year things went south for me in a way I wasn’t expecting. This suck as I wanted to be doing more creative work but that made things even worse.

Depression is a multi-tentacled beast from beyond the darkness of space that lives in your mind and feeds on your fears and anxieties. Its also really exhausting. Pair that with so much of the ‘other’ stuff one needs to be doing to just keep on going, naturally something must give. For me it was my creativity. It’s not a happy trade-off but it’s one that I needed to do to keep sane.

I’m also thankful and know I’m lucky. I have access to medication, with thanks to the NHS, without making me bankrupt. I have support in work and a support network who help when I need it. I’ve also got access to the outside green spaces of the countryside. Lately the weather hasn’t been there for it but it’s something I can access. I have never believed the whole “if you go outside, you’ll be less depressed” that’s nonsense. It does mean however you get a bit of exercise and some fresh air. It’s not going to cure anything but it’s not going to kill you either. Well hopefully not anyway.

At the moment I’m working on a Novel. I still haven’t got a title, but the outline is done, and the first chapter is written. I’ve ‘borrowed’ my other half’s old manual typewriter. It’s frustrating as heck to use it but I’ve found it’s also a fantastic way for me to write. I need to think about every word I put down, I need to take my time in order to stop it getting all jammed up. Due to the fact it’s an old machine I also need to feel through the ribbon manually. The main reason I like it is because it takes me away from distractions.

Aside from the Novel and the Podcast, I’m also helping edit a friend’s blog called Soft Skills. Funnily enough it’s a job I enjoy. Mostly due to the fact its easier to critique something you didn’t write yourself. I’m enjoying the process as well and learning. Every day learning.

So that’s all for now. I am looking around for ideas of my next short stories. I will take anything and everything as a suggestion. Within reason!

Adieu for now my friends and I will be back. It’s a promise.

 

What happened?

So, I didn’t have much output over the last couple of weeks due to a family member being taken into hospital. It was stressful and distressing. I won’t go into details, but the individual is doing much better and the NHS truly continues to astound me. The staff and care they received were excellent.

 

The only thing that got me was the ward. So many people coming and going. There is the multi person ward which is the normal type of ward then the individual rooms which people walked past looking in like some ghoulish zoo. Its tragic that this is where so many people will spend their final days. It’s tragic and sad. Not something I wish to see but something I know is inevitable.

 

Death is not something we talk about much in western civilisation. I wish we did but its hard too. I think a lot of this is to do with the fact that loss is greater. People don’t have as many children and thanks to health care improvements there’s not as much childhood disease and deaths. This means that when a loss happens it feels like a piece of ice lodges in your heart.

 

Many years ago, I lost my mother. While we didn’t get along famously, she was still my mum. I won’t say I dealt with it all very well. Only now have I managed to come to terms with that loss and my own grief.

 

I would like to see improved palliative care for those who are about to cross into that great unknown but not at the detriment of care for others. It’s not a zero-sum game but it’s not a great sum either thanks to healthcare cuts and tighter budgets across the board.

 

I would like to see more conversation about death too and how it effects people. I don’t think its ghoulish and it’s a very sad part of life but it’s a sadness that needs to be faced not buried.

 

And finally, I want to say that all of you who have lost somebody, it’s ok. It’s ok to feel sad or angry or frustrated. It’s ok to want to laugh or cry. It’s ok to ask for help in dealing with it all and it’s ok to miss that person too. It’s ok.

Can’t Even

There’s been a lot going on lately. Work has ramped up and in some ways become difficult. We’ve also managed to some how get together a deposit so we’re looking at houses, thinking of moving and dealing with mortgage people and solicitors.

Mentally, emotionally and physically I’m exhausted.

One thing that’s been really horrible is the overacting to the smallest problem. Getting unjustifiably angry or upset at the smallest speed bump in the road of the life.

I’ve already looped in with my doctor (yay medication and the NHS) and also looping in with my counsellor.

Still it’s tough to try and focus. Being creative while hailing panic attacks is quite difficult and also frustrating. I want to write but the words aren’t coming.

Inspiration is fleeting.

I am feeling that we’re living in a situation of imbalance. We’re not going forward with anything because we’re in the process of buying a place. We’re our and about every weekend looking at properties which in itself is exhausting.

The flat is a mess too, were in the half packed place waiting for the call to come through for the financials and the property to be approved.

That’s the other problem of course. Everything is out of our hands. We have limited control over the situation and living in perpetual anticipation feeds into the gnawing anxiety.

The solution? Self care, self management, breathing, talking, taking the medication and exercise. My doctor has also told me in no uncertain terms to stop drinking. At least for six weeks.

So yeah, that’s what’s going on and it’s awful. I hate feeling like this and I feel like I’m falling apart.

Hopefully things will settle within the next six months but it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

Spirit of creativity where did you go?

I’ve been sitting here trying to be creative and it’s just not happening. I know that all writers say you should write no matter what. You should put words down on a page. One word after another.

That’s the problem though isn’t it? When the creative juices aren’t flowing. What do you do?

Normally I’d open a bottle of wine but I’m trying to cut down drinking and to be honest I think that would be a very dark road to go down.

What to do?

I need to write more however I’ve not been having a great time. Probably that’s why the creativity spirit has escaped me.

Bloody hell, even writing this much has taken over an hour. What the hell?

Maybe a holiday is needed. Maybe more reading, more getting out of my routine.

No idea what I need but hopefully something will shift soon and help me to get mt mojo back.

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