Frustrated at anger

Yesterday I wrote a scathing and immature view of people who do self-promotion etc for their art or product. I had become angry at seeing stuff pushed by people I don’t know for things in which I have no interest.

I am very bloody lucky that I was smart enough to schedule the post and not hit publish straight away.

I am even luckier that I deleted the post this morning after thinking down some of my own arguments in the post. A thing I wish more people would do.

The conclusion I’ve arrived at is, if I’m not interested in or dislike something I can just scroll by, not participate and keep on going. I don’t have to tear down somebody else to feel superior. I just need not engage. This is especially important now when so many artists are operating on such fine margins between paying the bills and being out on the street.

What has gotten me, is the sheer level of irritation and anger. Where does it come from? Jealousy and envy for sure, these people are accomplishing so much more than I ever will during this whole period of my life. Anger that I’m working while my furloughed neighbours can enjoy the time with their families. Anger at people not obeying the rules which will make this whole thing last longer than it should. You name something and I have a passionate view on it.

I have always been a person who is what would be considered hot tempered. What it really is, is more to do with my own failings as a person which I’m trying to change. Primarily driven out of frustration.

That’s what’s going on really, right now. I’m frustrated because of so many things. Mostly about the lack of time to do things or the lack of ability. I am on the fence about my novel. I’m lost when it comes to inspiration. When I do sit down to write, bam! Distraction.

Inspiration is fleeting, that’s why I’m writing nonsense posts. Energy is variable at best. Yes, I know if I exercised, I’d have more energy but trying to balance everything that ensures balanced energy is also a fleeting mistress. The other thing is time. Time for my own stuff is much more limited under lockdown than I imagined it would be.

Having all three elements come together like a magical productivity cake, well that’s just madness.

The frustration continues…..

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