Where am I now?

Well it’s been a while folks and I’m still here.

If you listen to my podcast you will know that over the new year things went south for me in a way I wasn’t expecting. This suck as I wanted to be doing more creative work but that made things even worse.

Depression is a multi-tentacled beast from beyond the darkness of space that lives in your mind and feeds on your fears and anxieties. Its also really exhausting. Pair that with so much of the ‘other’ stuff one needs to be doing to just keep on going, naturally something must give. For me it was my creativity. It’s not a happy trade-off but it’s one that I needed to do to keep sane.

I’m also thankful and know I’m lucky. I have access to medication, with thanks to the NHS, without making me bankrupt. I have support in work and a support network who help when I need it. I’ve also got access to the outside green spaces of the countryside. Lately the weather hasn’t been there for it but it’s something I can access. I have never believed the whole “if you go outside, you’ll be less depressed” that’s nonsense. It does mean however you get a bit of exercise and some fresh air. It’s not going to cure anything but it’s not going to kill you either. Well hopefully not anyway.

At the moment I’m working on a Novel. I still haven’t got a title, but the outline is done, and the first chapter is written. I’ve ‘borrowed’ my other half’s old manual typewriter. It’s frustrating as heck to use it but I’ve found it’s also a fantastic way for me to write. I need to think about every word I put down, I need to take my time in order to stop it getting all jammed up. Due to the fact it’s an old machine I also need to feel through the ribbon manually. The main reason I like it is because it takes me away from distractions.

Aside from the Novel and the Podcast, I’m also helping edit a friend’s blog called Soft Skills. Funnily enough it’s a job I enjoy. Mostly due to the fact its easier to critique something you didn’t write yourself. I’m enjoying the process as well and learning. Every day learning.

So that’s all for now. I am looking around for ideas of my next short stories. I will take anything and everything as a suggestion. Within reason!

Adieu for now my friends and I will be back. It’s a promise.

 

Can’t Even

There’s been a lot going on lately. Work has ramped up and in some ways become difficult. We’ve also managed to some how get together a deposit so we’re looking at houses, thinking of moving and dealing with mortgage people and solicitors.

Mentally, emotionally and physically I’m exhausted.

One thing that’s been really horrible is the overacting to the smallest problem. Getting unjustifiably angry or upset at the smallest speed bump in the road of the life.

I’ve already looped in with my doctor (yay medication and the NHS) and also looping in with my counsellor.

Still it’s tough to try and focus. Being creative while hailing panic attacks is quite difficult and also frustrating. I want to write but the words aren’t coming.

Inspiration is fleeting.

I am feeling that we’re living in a situation of imbalance. We’re not going forward with anything because we’re in the process of buying a place. We’re our and about every weekend looking at properties which in itself is exhausting.

The flat is a mess too, were in the half packed place waiting for the call to come through for the financials and the property to be approved.

That’s the other problem of course. Everything is out of our hands. We have limited control over the situation and living in perpetual anticipation feeds into the gnawing anxiety.

The solution? Self care, self management, breathing, talking, taking the medication and exercise. My doctor has also told me in no uncertain terms to stop drinking. At least for six weeks.

So yeah, that’s what’s going on and it’s awful. I hate feeling like this and I feel like I’m falling apart.

Hopefully things will settle within the next six months but it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

Spirit of creativity where did you go?

I’ve been sitting here trying to be creative and it’s just not happening. I know that all writers say you should write no matter what. You should put words down on a page. One word after another.

That’s the problem though isn’t it? When the creative juices aren’t flowing. What do you do?

Normally I’d open a bottle of wine but I’m trying to cut down drinking and to be honest I think that would be a very dark road to go down.

What to do?

I need to write more however I’ve not been having a great time. Probably that’s why the creativity spirit has escaped me.

Bloody hell, even writing this much has taken over an hour. What the hell?

Maybe a holiday is needed. Maybe more reading, more getting out of my routine.

No idea what I need but hopefully something will shift soon and help me to get mt mojo back.

Happy Solstice

Today is the Solstice and I have been waiting for it for such a long time.

I’ve always loved when the evenings get dark but honestly I think that’s novelty more than anything. Long summer days are also painful, although painful in a different way.

Long evenings get too long. The weather is too cold. The misery becomes too much.

The light will be coming back though, the warmth of the sun. The necessary vitamin D.

Also it’s another year turned and that’s not a bad thing either. Time is something I used to almost fear but honestly now it’s something that needs to be embraced and spent wisely.

I hope that whoever you are, wherever you are that this new year, this new Sun brings with it warmth, light, compassion and love. That if your end is soon it comes with peace and if you’re just beginning you become your destiny.

Happy Solstice to you all.

Silvery Day

Today is a silvery day. Well its still early after all . The sun is rising and it’s only a few more days to the Solstice. Honestly I can’t bloody wait. I have no idea if its Brexit, the weather or something else but this year feels like its been exceptional is it’s darkness.

It’s distressing and depressing. I know that I’ve been overeating, drinking too much and having energy, well feck that.

The lack of exercise has caused numerous other problems like the recurrence of my back pain, *yay* a lack in creativity *yay* and of course an increase in my anxiety *yay*

When I get like this I can really understand why our ancestors danced and feasted and asked the sun rather nicely to come back. I can also understand why people literally hibernated to conserve energy plus it’s too dark most of the time to do anything.

I have one more story that I’m waiting to edit and post which will probably next week. I still need to get some new ideas to start writing up. See above earlier line about creativity.

Really no point to the post. I should probably get onto Facebook but can’t stand the platform. Maybe I should start to “do” social media but I feel shitty enough as it is right now.

I will need to work on some other things over Christmas and start working on a better business plan other than hope. Hope is great but its not going to pay the bills.

Anyway if you read this please free to comment or drop me a line and I am sure I’ll be seeing you soon.

*all yay’s are sarcasm and should be read ad Boo

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