Can’t Even

There’s been a lot going on lately. Work has ramped up and in some ways become difficult. We’ve also managed to some how get together a deposit so we’re looking at houses, thinking of moving and dealing with mortgage people and solicitors.

Mentally, emotionally and physically I’m exhausted.

One thing that’s been really horrible is the overacting to the smallest problem. Getting unjustifiably angry or upset at the smallest speed bump in the road of the life.

I’ve already looped in with my doctor (yay medication and the NHS) and also looping in with my counsellor.

Still it’s tough to try and focus. Being creative while hailing panic attacks is quite difficult and also frustrating. I want to write but the words aren’t coming.

Inspiration is fleeting.

I am feeling that we’re living in a situation of imbalance. We’re not going forward with anything because we’re in the process of buying a place. We’re our and about every weekend looking at properties which in itself is exhausting.

The flat is a mess too, were in the half packed place waiting for the call to come through for the financials and the property to be approved.

That’s the other problem of course. Everything is out of our hands. We have limited control over the situation and living in perpetual anticipation feeds into the gnawing anxiety.

The solution? Self care, self management, breathing, talking, taking the medication and exercise. My doctor has also told me in no uncertain terms to stop drinking. At least for six weeks.

So yeah, that’s what’s going on and it’s awful. I hate feeling like this and I feel like I’m falling apart.

Hopefully things will settle within the next six months but it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

An Update

I am writing a novel. It’s really hard. I’m having difficulty of course. Focus is a bitch and it’s an elusive one at that.

Every day will be a challenge. It’s not fun at all but it is rewarding. I am still of course working on short stories. I need to build skills, word court and possibly an audience. Getting some better writing habits would be nice too but can’t have everything.

At the moment I feel like I’m being dragged in so many directions and that I want to do so much. However going back to a previous post I need to be a bit more still and stop chasing so many different pursuits.

The problem is that the world os so interesting. Again back to focus and needing some.

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